Curmudgeon Corner: Toothpaste, Already

I don’t like to complain. Wait; yes I do. Who doesn’t? And at the never-fail risk of my so-called friends telling me to restock the pantry with stewed prunes, here goes:

Did we hafta go and complicate toothpaste?

20130730-165213.jpgWhat we’re up against: More useless choices than cable TV

When did Colgate and Crest become not enough? Even for the outliers, there was Pepsodent, and if you were a real hippie, baking soda (organic), water and a birch twig.

Now…my dental God, now. Navigating the toothpaste section (a SECTION) is like reading the book of Numbers while trying to explain cricket. If you go for whitening, do you necessarily lose tartar control? Do you have to accept more cavity risk if you eschew cavity protection formulae in favor of plaque prevention? What is periodontal disease? Don’t you have to buy whitening to remain cool and/or young?

How does flossing work into this? I happen to prefer those little corrugated rubber picks. Do I get tartar control credit for that? Or at least a tax break?

While we weren’t looking, elegant variation took on the smell of progress. Parsing things into grain-sized elements started to feel like science; dubious claims began to feel smarter than our common sense. Why a simple dentifrice had to be made to seem like a wonder drug is beyond me. Well, not exactly beyond. Just annoying.

20130730-170737.jpgUgh. Can we just go already?

This kind of pointless variety is the same thinking that gave us stuffed crust pizza instead of just good pizza, cinnamon bites instead of waste dough ends, and the Seattle Mariners instead of just a nice bike path by the Sound. And furthermore, I maintain that….what? What’s wrong with my breath?

Ohhhhhh, alright. Gimme the whitening.

Copyright 2013 Adam Barr

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One thought on “Curmudgeon Corner: Toothpaste, Already

  1. SusanO says:

    Ooo, what is Optic White and why do I feel I need it Right Now?

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