In an uncertain world, a truth you can securely hang a hat on is a valuable thing indeed. It’s a short list, but here are some things about which I don’t brook debate. In no particular order:
- Omelets promote world peace. At these international summits where they waste time arguing about the color and size of the tablecloth, the whole thing could be settled if they would just let me in. I’d say, “O.K., Lord Featherstonehaugh had the cheddar-and-bacon, the Wazir ordered the feta-spinach, and His Excellency over here wanted my special egg-white-mozzarella.” Suddenly, what’s on the tablecloth gets more important. You can’t fight forever with someone you have to ask to pass the cream cheese for your bagel.
- Romance is more manly than you ever thought.
- Chain pizza places are dopey. Quit inventing stuffed-crust crap and make me the same good pizza every time. Better to just go to mom-‘n’-pops. Tip the driver.
- People who think baseball is boring don’t have enough patience or curiosity to be interesting in a sustainable way. Same with cricket.
- The Five-Year Rule works. When you find yourself stressing unduly over something, usually work-related, ask yourself: Will this matter five years from today? Think back to five years ago. Does any such annoyance from then matter now? Case closed.
- Absent a significant structural problem, you can do more physically than you think you can. Find out.
- Mental capability: see entry re physicality immediately above.
- The ubiquitous Facebook posts counseling you to toss aside all impediments to your personal dreams, insisting that your only route to self-actualization is to follow your passion to the end no matter the personal cost, without regard to finances or shelter or anything else — especially if such admonitions invoke the late Steve Jobs — are almost always made by people who have 1) no one depending on them, and/or 2) never held their newborn child in their arms.
- Democracy means always having your say, not always having your way.
- Freedom, whether it’s written in a novel or a constitution, doesn’t mean being able to do anything you want any time you want.
- You cannot, not credibly anyway, yowl for years about how government should stay out of our lives, then insist that government interfere with the decisions of people you don’t like about whom they should be allowed to marry.
- There is no good reason to stop children from singing.
- If the only available proof of the existence of God was the laughter of children, I would still believe as strongly.
- The last piece of blueberry pie in the fridge is mine. Here, I mean “mine” in the purest, most crystallized sense of the word.
- I could have been a very good actor, perhaps De Niro level. But then I would never have known the blessings I enjoy now, including being surrounded by the love of the family and friends who populate the life I chose. Fair trade.
- I have met people from all over the world, and my father is still the greatest person I know.
I’m sure there are more. But that’s enough hats on the wall for now.♦
© 2013 Adam Barr